A term given to the condition where one loses self by focusing on the behavior of another who is engaged in self-destructive behavior through drugs and alcohol. You did not CAUSE IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT AND YOU CANNOT CURE IT, however you can COPE with it.
Remember addiction thrives in secrecy. You are only as sick as your secrets.
The addicted person is the last one to know that they have a problem. The disease tells them that they don’t have it. Therefore they stay stuck in the cycle of pain, blame and shame.
Enabling is providing a safety net that keeps the addicted person from hitting a bottom that they may need to hit in order to shatter the denial.
If the sick person is not ready to accept help then you must learn how to detach with love and let go of the outcome. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Enabling allows the disease to continue and progress. Denial also exists with family members who tend to secretly deny the seriousness of the problem and excuse it. These people are acting out of a misguided sense of loyalty of wanting to protect the individual but end up enabling. Enabling keeps the individual from experiencing the full consequences of their behavior.
The co-dependent one has to also experience a bottom. (Emotional, spiritual & physical) They need to learn to SAY WHAT THEY MEAN, MEAN WHAT THEY SAY, and BUT DON’T SAY IT MEAN.
How to Help
Educate to remove the shame & stigma of the disease.
Educate about the recovery process. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Co-dependents-Anonymous. Get support to facilitate change.
Join and participate in the recovery process.
Make sure you are engaged in a through program of self-care. Take focus off the addicted person and back on yourself where it belongs. (Polish your own Mirror)
Don’t nag or make threats that cannot be followed through.
Support yourself by associating with others that can identify with this situation.
Familiarize yourself with resources available in your community
Provide service to others new to the process.
Learn to say no and not feel bad about setting this boundary. Unhealthy enmeshment causes both parties to get sicker.
Addicted people also exhibit co-dependent characteristics and would benefit from recovery in this area.
WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked and approved by you.
Unmet childhood needs continue to go unmet. I keep going to the hardware store to get milk. I keep asking someone to provide me with something that they are not capable of giving me due to their own issues. This is insane, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result but getting the very same result.
Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you and manipulating you “to do it my way”
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests & hobbies. I assimilate into your friendships while losing my own. Resentments result.
Your behavior and personal appearance is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel and what I want, however, I am aware of how you feel and what you want. If I don’t know I assume.
The hopes and dreams I have for the future are linked to you. I have no faith in self.
My fear of rejection and your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you. I shrink my own world down.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own. I don’t trust.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
The most out of control people control others. Anything to keep me from focusing on self.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
For more on Co-dependency and addictions you can call Daryl Samson direct at: (604) 947-0420 | 
