Change the way you think; Change your life - Part One
Michele Crawford, M. Ed. RCC, CCC.
One day a man was driving to work, listening to the radio. The DJ challenged the men in his audience to surprise their wives with a bouquet of flowers for no reason other than to lay bare their love.
He knew his wife missed and suffered from his lack of affection and few loving efforts on her behalf. In this moment he decided to change that.
Making arrangements for flowers to be delivered to his wife’s office, the man was caught up with anticipatory excitement. As he imagined her happy reaction to this enterprise, he became more committed to being a better partner. He promised himself he would design other ways to express his love in the future.
The flowers arrived at the woman’s desk by noon, accompanied by a sweet note. She was immediately suspicious.
The only reason she could think of why her husband would send flowers was to amend guilt. Spending the better part of the next hour pondering what he had done, she finally came to the conclusion he was having an affair with the young single mother across the street.
Ruminating on this theme all morning, she couldn’t eat because of acid churning in her stomach, snapped at her co-workers, often ran in tears to the bathroom and worked herself up into picturing the divorce.
Becoming so agitated she could no longer concentrate on her work, she went home early to confront him. Distracted, she ran a red light and almost caused a traffic accident.
Meanwhile, the man’s elated anticipation has been steadily growing as he predicted her welcoming him home with her arms open wide. He kept telling himself he needed to reconnect more with his wife and visualized many other pleasant ways to surprise her; also imagining her various delighted reactions.
When the man opens the front door, his wife is immediately there spitting venom at him for his betrayal and deceit. At first, he is not sure what she could mean. Stunned, he just looks at her and asks an inane question. “Did you like the flowers?” When it becomes evident his wife is accusing him of having an affair, he stops talking.
The woman’s rage and hurt are escalating because he is not defending himself. Now convinced he is guilty of cheating on her, she talks about a lawyer and ending their twenty-year relationship.
The man quietly goes upstairs, packs a bag and slips out the back door.
To re-gain a healthy sense of control it’s vital to identify what beliefs (interpretations, assumptions, perceptions, filters, biases, attitude, thoughts, word choice, inner-critic, etc.) you tell yourself about what happens.
If what happens created your emotional and behavioural responses, then you are at the mercy of the events in your life and the world around you. You would be like a leaf in a fast-moving creek; going every direction the creek takes you.
It is hard work to change the way you think, especially in an emotional moment. Recognizing this, Ellis has made up words and uses mnemonics. Mnemonics help trigger your memory.
For example, F.E.A.R. is false evidence appearing real.
Over the next five [articles] I will describe the five irrational ways of thinking, organized under the mnemonic of making too big of A.D.E.A.L.: creating disturbance in your life.
A = Absolutism
D = Demandingness
E = Esteem
A = Awfulizing
L = Low Frustration Tolerance
This story would have had a different ending if the woman decided not to act on her assumptions and biases until she had evidence to support her beliefs. Or if she had simply phoned her husband to ask about the flowers, they could have shared a transformation of their relationship.
Change the way you think and you change your life.
For more information, please contact:
Michele Crawford RCC CCC at
E-mail: michelecrawford@dccnet.com or
Phone: 604-515-9727
Web Site: www.michelecrawford.ca | 
