What Is Codependency?
Courtesy of: Dependency.ws

Codependency develops in stages:

First, you may participate with the addict (drinking, shopping, working); then, realizing the strength of the other person's addiction, you go along "just this once" to keep peace; finally, the addict is obviously unable to stop him/herself but you now deny the destructiveness of his/her addiction as well as deny that you have lost control of your life too. The codependent is extremely dependent. They long for approval and recognition of their sacrifices; they do, indeed, tolerate awful circumstances, including abuse; they fear being on their own. They feel constant, dreadful responsibly for controlling someone else (saving them) and they blame themselves (not the addict) when things go wrong. Sometimes they are sad, sometimes mad; it is a "sick" situation (see later discussion).

From where did Codependency Come?
Codependent, or CO-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. Mostly in line with family systems ideas, the model addressed the family members, especially wives, who "interfered" with the recovery. It was suggested that their behavior made it less difficult for the addict to continue drinking or using drugs. The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually "enabled" the addict to continue using. At first glance, the emphasis on the family was certainly a welcome step. Regardless of theoretical orientation working with a substance abuser in isolation, who is in an intimate relationship, is missing a rich opportunity to recruit more players into the change agenda.

Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help books the symptoms of codependency mounts. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. What began as a term to help spouses of addicts encourage sobriety and not inadvertently make it easy to continue, the codependency movement of the 80s and 90s has thrown the baby out with the bath water: Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction.

What is codependency? What's the definition?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of
• maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing
• great emotional pain and stress.
• maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
• compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
• sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment
.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Codependency develops in stages:
First, you may participate with the addict (drinking, shopping, working); then, realizing the strength of the other person's addiction, you go along "just this once" to keep peace; finally, the addict is obviously unable to stop him/herself but you now deny the destructiveness of his/her addiction as well as deny that you have lost control of your life too. The codependent is extremely dependent. They long for approval and recognition of their sacrifices; they do, indeed, tolerate awful circumstances, including abuse; they fear being on their own. They feel constant, dreadful responsibly for controlling someone else (saving them) and they blame themselves (not the addict) when things go wrong. Sometimes they are sad, sometimes mad; it is a "sick" situation (see later discussion).

How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?
Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re codependent.

What are some of the symptoms?

• controlling behavior
• distrust
• perfectionism
• avoidance of feelings
• intimacy problems
• caretaking behavior
• hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
• physical illness related to stress